Every single part of this is true, FYI. I absoutely LOVE this!
1. Pulling A Hair Out Of Our Butt
As women, we tend to have long(ish) hair. Sometimes, hair falls out and finds its way up our butts—by way of crawling up there all on its lonesome or swallowing it, I’ll never know. Such occasions are always exciting and if you’re incredulous then you have obviously never pulled a 6-inch-long hair out of your butthole. It’s simply never not fun.
2. Resting Hand In Underpants
Like men, when us women are alone, sitting on our couch, watching Pawn Stars, our hand will sometimes involuntarily make its way down into our underpants. And, like men, we too find it to be comfortable as well as an efficient heating technique. Bonus points if you’ve got a bush because a) it’s enjoyable to scratch, and b) it’s fun to twirl our coarse, ringlet-shaped pubes.
3. Picking Off Our Nail Polish
After painting my…
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I’m sure by now you have gathered that I am quite the sarcastic individual. Believe me, there is a soft gushy side behind all this sarcasm, wide, and adorableness (joking about the last one…). Anyways, lately I’ve found that I’m in a place where I am becoming more aware of my surroundings – like how I say things, the approaches I take to situations, and even how I handle my emotions. I guess it’s called “maturing” but I’d like to think of it as “soul searchin.” Since most of you have no clue who I am, you wouldn’t understand why this is so important to me.
Here’s a little insight: I was abandoned as an infant at 4 months old by my biological mother. My dad had full custody of me since then. We moved to Georgia from Florida, he met the angel (her name was Pat) I call mother, and they got married. My biological mother, Debbie, repeatedly tried to kidnap me and win custody of me, but my dad constantly fought for me. And he won. My brother died in a tragic car accident. Then, at the age of 5, my mom (Pat) was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was only given 6 months to live, but lived up until 12 days before my 21st birthday. 5 months before she died, I married a complete asshole. And a month after she died, I was hospitalized and diganosed with two ovarian tumors. I never met my biological mother, by the way. I struggled with depression, alcoholism, and low self-esteem. I left my husband. Moved across country. And BOOM. Here I am.
I’m not asking for a pity party, I know everyone has had a struggle or five in their life. But until you really get to know me, you could never understand why I am this way. I have a guard up nearly all the time. I have little patience for people. I hate making choices. I am terrified of love/committment/relationships. I run away from things that I don’t think I can handle. I often forget that other people have feelings, too. I hold grudges. I never trust anyone, with the exception of a handful of people. I give second chances way too often.
Yet here I am, slowly starting to realize that those negative qualities about myself DO NOT have to remain. I am free to change them at any given time. I decided that since it’s a New Year, it’s time to really focus on me and myself. Not just my physical appearance, but my internal emotional side. I want to be able to fully trust and love the way most people do. I want to be able to promise someone forever. I want to be able to talk about my feelings without the fear of retaliation or judgement. I just want to be normal.
You know, it gets really annoying when people are constantly making comments about “having your shit together.” OK, first of all, what does that even mean? Maybe having my shit together means brushing my hair everyday and leaving the house in something other than leggings/jeggings/yoga pants (just saying). Secondly, since WHEN is there an age limit on having your shit together? My dad is in his 60’s and his shit isn’t together, but he’s happy and that pretty much is all that matters, right? Anyways, I figured I would give y’all a solid lesson on how to NOT have your shit together at 25 (and a half).
Step 1: Change jobs multiple times within a year. This could include getting fired from a good job, too. If you really want to be the headline for failure, just work for 4 different companies in one year, making sure you get shit-canned at least once.
Step 2: Get a divorce. Nothing says “Hey, I’m a total fuck-up” like a divorce after 5 annoying years of marriage. It will leave you emotional destroyed, physical exhausted, and financially struggling.
Step 3: Live with people just like you. Nothing really destroys your shot at having it together like having roommates who are in the same situation as yourself. Two broke bitches is better than one, right?
Step 4: Pack up and move across country. Nothing makes you any less put together than leaving everything (and everyone) in your life behind to travel 2,215 miles to the other side of the country with only three suitcases full of shoes and clothes. Congratulations: you’re now homeless, unemployed, and walking (but at least you have cute clothes, so there’s that).
Step 5: Date guys who are idiots. Since having a solid, real relationship is probably part of having your life together, make sure you date people who have no intention of loving you for the right reasons. At least make sure they’re good to look at, even if they’re as intelligent as a rock.
I think that pretty much sums it up. In case you can’t tell, I have quickly learned my lesson about “having it all together.” In fact, I kinda enjoy how challenging my life can be. I mean, what is life without a little struggle here and there anyways?
So many times in life I feel like we often forget to appreciate the little things. Back home in Georgia, the roads are covered in ice and snow. Many people were stuck for 10+ hours just to get home and some people were even stuck overnight in their cars without heat, food, or water. Even worse, there were people homeless left to freeze in the storms. I woke up to 60 degree weather, in my bed, to a sunrise that was probably one of the most beautiful ones I’ve seen yet out here in SoCal. And then I realized….not everyone gets to wake up to this view….
I know life is busy. And hectic. And it’s not always easy or fair, but at the end of the day, you get to go home to a bed, food, water….some people don’t have that luxury. Even when I complain about going home alone, at least I’m going home. I’ve always wondered why humans feel the need to envy others and take things for granted. Why can’t we just appreciate what has been given to us? Everyone has a story, a background, a past….nobody in this life has had it easy. Some of us have had it easier than others, yes, but that doesn’t mean that their life has been all roses and butterflies.
My point is that every now and again it’s okay to stop and appreciate the small things in life – like the sunrise, your bed, or a glass of water. The things that you take for granted everyday are the things that someone else is wishing they had.
Everyone else is over here making New Year’s Resolution and I’m just trying to get by without slapping someone every time they do something ridiculous. I’ve decided to make a Pet Peeve Resolution list – not for me, obviously, but for everyone else. I know you probably think it would be easier for me to just put “patience” as my NYR, but sadly I can’t add that on my list when I know good and damn well I wont’ ever change.
1. Avoid people who act like they’re better than you. For example, if you criticize me about me hair, makeup, clothing, car, house, or job, then you should run for the hills. I do not care how I dress, what my face looks like most of the time, or if my job is up to par with your high-end city slickin’ opinion. Also, I believe brushing your hair all the time is overrated. A little tangle never hurt anyone.
2. Avoid men who think that calling you baby, baby girl, or princess is adorable. I am not a baby, I am not a babygirl, and although I am a princess, I only let my dad call me that. Also, it definitely gives off the stench that you’re desperate and needy. Go pamper your dog or something buddy.
3. Avoid people who DON’t drink. I’m not advising that I start hanging out with the rejects from AA, but I definitely can’t sit around and play UNO 24/7. If you don’t like alcohol (even just a little), we probably can’t be friends. And there’s a 99% chance that you will hate me.
4. Ignore people who tell you how to life your life. See, I spent the first 18 years of my life obeying my parents. Believe it or not, I did used to be a little angel….anyways, I’m 25 and really don’t care to sit around and have other people control me. If I want to make bad decisions, then I will. Are we done here?
5. Keep your righteous, unnecessary, critical opinions to yourself. Once again, I really don’t care what your thoughts on MY life are. Maybe you should start a blog so you can vent about how out of control my life 🙂
I think that’s a pretty solid start to the year 2014. Dontcha think?
This is probably way too deep for my first blog entry, but what the hell.
The other day I was performing my usual social media stalking sess when I came across some adorable pictures of my ex (husband, by the way) and his new whorefriend (girlfriend*). Anyways, as I’m holding back the vomit, I realize that it’s like I’m looking at someone else’s life. This is NOT the person I was with for 6 1/2 years. He looks the same, dresses the same, and a million bucks says he still acts the same, but realistically, that is not the same guy I married. What happened to that faithful, devoted, and silly man I used to come home to every night? And why is this…girl….filling my shoes? When did this even happen?
If you’re still reading this, I can only assume you don’t think I’m some broken-hearted crazy cat lady (which I’m not….I fucking hate cats). I’m really not heart-broken. I just sit here and look at these pictures and realize that I’m looking at someone else. Have you ever done that? Just looked into someone’s life and realized you have no clue what the fuck is going on? Like, hello. Who are you? What did you do with the person I loved?
Anyways, I guess the entire point of this blog is to remember that things always look different from the outside then the do from the inside. And sometimes, it takes distance, pain, and time to really see what someone’s life is like.
Well. Happy Tuesday guys.