A Lil’ Soul Searching

I’m sure by now you have gathered that I am quite the sarcastic individual. Believe me, there is a soft gushy side behind all this sarcasm, wide, and adorableness (joking about the last one…). Anyways, lately I’ve found that I’m in a place where I am becoming more aware of my surroundings – like how I say things, the approaches I take to situations, and even how I handle my emotions. I guess it’s called “maturing” but I’d like to think of it as “soul searchin.” Since most of you have no clue who I am, you wouldn’t understand why this is so important to me.

Here’s a little insight: I was abandoned as an infant at 4 months old by my biological mother. My dad had full custody of me since then. We moved to Georgia from Florida, he met the angel (her name was Pat) I call mother, and they got married. My biological mother, Debbie, repeatedly tried to kidnap me and win custody of me, but my dad constantly fought for me. And he won. My brother died in a tragic car accident. Then, at the age of 5, my mom (Pat) was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was only given 6 months to live, but lived up until 12 days before my 21st birthday. 5 months before she died, I married a complete asshole. And a month after she died, I was hospitalized and diganosed with two ovarian tumors. I never met my biological mother, by the way. I struggled with depression, alcoholism, and low self-esteem. I left my husband. Moved across country. And BOOM. Here I am.

I’m not asking for a pity party, I know everyone has had a struggle or five in their life. But until you really get to know me, you could never understand why I am this way. I have a guard up nearly all the time. I have little patience for people. I hate making choices. I am terrified of love/committment/relationships. I run away from things that I don’t think I can handle. I often forget that other people have feelings, too. I hold grudges. I never trust anyone, with the exception of a handful of people. I give second chances way too often.

Yet here I am, slowly starting to realize that those negative qualities about myself DO NOT have to remain. I am free to change them at any given time. I decided that since it’s a New Year, it’s time to really focus on me and myself. Not just my physical appearance, but my internal emotional side. I want to be able to fully trust and love the way most people do. I want to be able to promise someone forever. I want to be able to talk about my feelings without the fear of retaliation or judgement. I just want to be normal.

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