There comes a time in your life when you have to decide what is more important: the past, the present, or the future.
THE PAST: Do I continue to let the past make me fearful of what could happen? Do I let the past interfere with making a better life for myself? Shouldn’t I be learning from my past and making sure I don’t make the same mistake twice – or am I contradicting myself by saying that?
THE PRESENT: Do I always live in the moment or should I stop to think about how my choices are effecting my future? Does it really matter what I feel next week, next month, or next year? I mean, shouldn’t I just accept these feelings and let things happen on their own without needing to control it?
THE FUTURE: The future is far away – so is there really any point in stressing about it? I mean, so many things change within a small period of time and I believe that my destiny is already written in stone by God, so is there any point in freaking out? Or should I try and purposely plan every detail of my life?
Well. I learned my lesson with new relationships (if it’s even considered a relationship) and trust issues. Let’s just say you never realize how much someone means to you until your vunerability and your trust have been compromised. However, I’ve learned that unless someone has given you a valid reason NOT to trust them, you have to allow yourself to remove the trust issues from your past from blocking a great future. Regardless of what every other stinkin’ man did to you, there is nothing written in stone saying that this person is going to do that to you, too. Sometimes we get so caught up in the past that we forget we are living in the present. I have QUICKLY learned that it can destroy a relationship, especially a new relationship.
Control your emotions, Danielle. Dammit.
Last night I took a step on the side of bravery and not only stepped out of my comfort zone, but let someone into one of my most vunerable spots. It made me realize that comfort zones are kinda silly. We were put on this Earth with the ability to only live once. Obviously that sounds really silly to say (especially since everyone wore it out by screaming “yolo” all the time), but it’s true. We’re given this once chance and we don’t know how long we are going to have. Many of us don’t do things because they’re outside of our comfort zones or because we fear the unknown. Truth is, isn’t that just really stupid? Do you know what could happen if you step outside your comfort zone? NO. It could be good, could be bad. My point is that you will never know unless you actually do it. I know that this is so much harder than it sounds, but seriously….I stepped out of my comfort zone and it ended up being worth it. Who knows what will happen in the long run, but right now, I’m happy.
Sometimes I make myself so uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s like I’m a different person. My personality has changed drastically in the 5 months I’ve been California so far. That’s such a short period of time, but honestly, California has allowed me to find myself without any distractions (aka my crazy family, my ex husband, my past). I’ve blossomed in so many ways – like the fact that I’m finally letting my true colors shine through and I’m even starting to let down all those walls I have been building up the last 25 years (I’m even starting to let someone into my heart now). I have become so much more laid back and open minded to the things around me. I’m learning to appreciate things – like sunshine, ocean waves, and even people. So why do I feel so lost?
I think I have been lost my whole life. I have felt suffocated by so many things in my past that I forgot to let myself be myself. Meaning I have no shame in the silly things I do or the weird habits I have. Because I finally let myself out of the cage, I am meeting people who are appreciating me for who I really am, instead of putting on this forefront of being someone I’m not.
If you would’ve seen me a year ago, you would’ve told me I had no self-control, I was mean/bitchy, and acted like I was too good for certain people/things. Now, I take everything with a grain of salt. I’m not better than anyone, I’m so laid back, and I love love love making new friends, instead of shying away and leeching onto one or two people (like my ex).
I feel I’m rambling, which I probably am. But it just hit me that this whole time I thought I knew who I was and then BAM. I realized that I have been lost….and I am just starting to find my way home.