Sometimes I make myself so uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s like I’m a different person. My personality has changed drastically in the 5 months I’ve been California so far. That’s such a short period of time, but honestly, California has allowed me to find myself without any distractions (aka my crazy family, my ex husband, my past). I’ve blossomed in so many ways – like the fact that I’m finally letting my true colors shine through and I’m even starting to let down all those walls I have been building up the last 25 years (I’m even starting to let someone into my heart now). I have become so much more laid back and open minded to the things around me. I’m learning to appreciate things – like sunshine, ocean waves, and even people. So why do I feel so lost?
I think I have been lost my whole life. I have felt suffocated by so many things in my past that I forgot to let myself be myself. Meaning I have no shame in the silly things I do or the weird habits I have. Because I finally let myself out of the cage, I am meeting people who are appreciating me for who I really am, instead of putting on this forefront of being someone I’m not.
If you would’ve seen me a year ago, you would’ve told me I had no self-control, I was mean/bitchy, and acted like I was too good for certain people/things. Now, I take everything with a grain of salt. I’m not better than anyone, I’m so laid back, and I love love love making new friends, instead of shying away and leeching onto one or two people (like my ex).
I feel I’m rambling, which I probably am. But it just hit me that this whole time I thought I knew who I was and then BAM. I realized that I have been lost….and I am just starting to find my way home.